What happened to you?

i found myself driving going north, i tagged along a good friend in case i break down along the way. Driving going to La Union wasn’t easy that moment, all i knew was drive, all i could think of is drive, like it was the only thing stuck in my head, pass every slow moving car, overtake ‘em when needed.

it was the longest drive ever, like heading home was so different at that time. No humps would slow me down. Walang butas sa highway na pwedeng magpatigil sa akin.

I knew i shouldn’t be driving when i’m psycho, especially when i am emotionally demented. But my goal that day was drive, go home, it’s ok.. she’ll be ok. Everything will be ok.

While driving, sabi ko sa utol ko…

“Pag lumabas si Mamang sa ospital, ikuha natin siya ng katulong.“

I was positive and very much hoping that everything was alright. Na paglabas ni Mamang sa hospital, i’d get someone to help her in the house. Natural, mahina pa sya after.. she’ll need all the help she can get while recovering.

That day.. traffic wasn’t bad. Tarlac roads are almost empty. The universe might have seen how i badly need a clear highway to let me pass and reach our destination without much interruption.

Henyetah wasn’t at all showing any attitude. Maybe she understood my sentiments. 5 long hours of driving.. or maybe less.. i didn’t even notice we were there already. Parang isang iglap lang.. it’s like i was there in manila a minute ago, the next minute.. i was walking along the corridors of the hospital, finding where the ICU is.

I never got to like hospitals. Places like these are too clean and the people i see in every room depresses me. Even the air and the smell of each walkway seems to drag my energy down to zero. Hospitals are never friendly.

While reaching every corner of the building, i couldn’t help but think how she is, thoughts automatically download in my mind like parasites hungry of human blood. I’ve never seen my mom in this kind of place nor heard a story about getting admitted in a place i promised not to visit ever.

Finally reached the room. There i saw her, sleeping like a little girl in a fetal position. I never saw her so weak. I never saw her like this. She was strong as a bull, mighty, vicious, yet sentimental but all i see that time was a damsel corrupted by pain and suffering.

In our clan, the women ruled the compound.. our Apong was a force you won’t dare ignore. Apong was a well-founded woman just like my mom. 10 or… say 20 years from now, she’d be like Apong, a grumpy old woman who’s only happiness is to be with her grandchildren. I see her playing with my kids, living the life i dreamt of her having, serene yet grand.

Tears started to fall, my heart pounded like new when i held her hand. It was a reunion like no other, but a sad reunion even i never imagined.

I started talking to her. Said her son is here, that i am here, i even told her my name in case she didn’t hear me the first time. She never opened her eyes, but i was so sure she was listening. Then i cried.

It was my first time to cry in front of my mom.

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I was taking a bath this morning when a sudden rush of images instantly appeared in my head. After that, i whispered..