september 12, two days before she passed away, i got to talk to her on the phone for the last time. her voice was weak while she was asking me to go home, telling me to take her to the hospital. dahil andito ako sa manila and she was in the province. sabi ko kausapin nya muna kung sino ang pwedeng sumama sa kanya. i figured that it was only a mild case, that she only needs a check up.

she didn’t give much details on how she was, sabi nya kelangan nya ng gamot. knowing her, alam kong kaya nya, Mamang ko yan eh. Ang problema, di nya sasabihin sa amin, maybe because alam nyang kaya nya, or maybe she didn’t want us to worry much. sabi nya nahihilo sya. pero di nya sinabi na hindi na nya kaya. hindi nya sinabi kung gaano kalala ang sakit nya. ayaw nyang malaman namin na nahihirapan sya… pinalabas nyang ok lang ang lahat… na walang problema.

after that call i asked my utol para kausapin nya si mamang. alam kong sa kanya lang sya makikinig, sa utol ko lang sya nakikinig. That afternoon she was rushed to the hospital.

Sa pagkakakilala ko sa nanay ko, masyado syang gutsy. If there is someone i know who i can relate to was my mom. Agressive, tough yet sensitive. She may not be the perfect mom, she may not be as expressive like other moms but her unbroken strength and solid aura makes her one of a kind.

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just minutes ago, binabasa ko ang mga lumang texts nya. halos araw araw pala syang nagtetext sa akin.. kung gano ako katamad magtext, ganun naman sya kasipag. then sadness came along. wala na akong marereceive na text mula sa kanya, makulit man o hindi. hindi na sya magrereklamo na laging lowbatt ang phone nya. wala na rin akong makukuhang text na nagtatanong kung bakit di ako nagrereply sa mga text nya.

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Birthday ko last september 9. Nagulat na lang ako nung ikwento ng Tita ko that my Mamang cooked pancit for my birthday. I never got a birthday message from her, pero the gesture alone, a home cooked pancit for my birthday is something. I froze for a moment. I said thank you kahit alam kong di na nya ito maririnig kahit kelan.

Today is my moms 22nd day mula nung malibing sya. Wala sya ni isang paramdam sa amin. Nasabi ng isang kaibigan ko that maybe Mamang is at peace already. Wala na syang kailangang iparating sa amin. That perhaps she doesn’t want us to worry anymore, na masaya na sya sa kinaroroonan nya.

It hurts that i never got to talk to her personally before she left us. It hurts that i was not the person that carried her when she was in pain, i hurts that i wasn’t the person supporting her while she was being transferred to a wheelchair. It saddens me that however i hold her hands, i couldn’t even lessen the discomfort she feels while she was in the hospital.

Mamang is a proud mom. Makikipag-away yan wag lang kaming maapi ng ibang tao. She’d move mountains just to lift us up. I miss her. Sabi ko nga, wala na ung mga text messages nya. Wala na ring magbabantay sa bahay namin, hindi ko na rin makikita ang mga bungi nyang ngipin.

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for weeks i tried writing an entry about her, about everything. but all i could write was a few lines. after that i’d burst into tears. now i am trying to contain what i feel, hoping i could finish this without being too emotional about it.

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biglaan ang lahat, everything seemed like a snap. during the wake, alam kong andyan lang si Mamang na nasa tabi ko lang sya, na pagbalik ko ng manila, magiging normal lahat, babalik ulit sa dati. mangungulit ulit sya sa text, sasabihing wala na syang pambayad ng kuryente, na kelangan kong tumawag. Minsan sasabihin na lang nya..

“umuwi ka, isama mo si Edmar.”

like going home is a walk in the park, like tagging along edmar (her favorite apo) is easy.

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funny how simple my mom is, kay Edmar pa lang kahit pa sumasakit na ang ulo nya sa kakasaway sa kanya, ok lang sa kanya, siguro ganun ang mga Lola sa mga apo nya. minsan pa nga, yung ibibigay na pera ng utol ko sa kanya, ibibigay lang din nya sa mga apo nya. she may not be the loving mom i’ve always wanted, pero pagdating sa mga apo nya hindi sya nagkulang.

my mom no matter how difficult she maybe at times. no matter how inconsiderate, hihiritan mo lang yan ng konting joke, hahagalpak na yan sa tawa. sabi nga ng mga kasama nya sa simbahan, Mamang is a one happy woman.

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pasensya na kung magulo ako  magkwento ngayon. there are so many things going on. i’ve been away for two weeks and i’m still trying to organize everything. thoughts are coming in like crazy.

you know it’s sad to lose someone so close to your heart, the family is still trying to recover. life will now be different without Mamang, but then again, walang ibang option but move forward.